PART 0: Deciding to Expand Our Family After Waiting Over 5 Years.

From the start, this pregnancy has been laced with surprises. 

We very intentionally waited 5 years before trying to have a 3rd child after our second was born (in 2019). Not that 5 years was some personal ideal for how we spaced our children (we currently have two boys; 8.5 and almost 6), but having lost 2 parents, moved across the country twice and had several other trying life circumstances on our journey since our second was born, the idea of having more children felt so beyond our capacity that it was continually pushed off. 

However, having at least one more child was still something I felt deep in my heart even if we weren't ready yet, and overtime Paul grew in his desire for a 3rd child as well. Little by little our life circumstances did simplify; we healed and found more stable ground - internally and externally.

During this time of healing and stabilization, were got connected with a handful of wonderful larger families and also encountered new teachings (to us!) around the value of having a larger family (I could talk for hours on this, but we will save that for the podcast! :)). As these shifts happened in our hearts the desire for at least one more child evolved into real conversations of "are we ready enough? should we open this door now?"

At this point I was 35 and Paul was 41, just a pinch older than we were for our first son, over 8 years ago ;) and the age gap between our two boys would only get wider by the day with our future child(ren).

Waiting too much longer felt like a growing risk if we really did want to grow our family. After all ...

While we didn't have a problem getting pregnant with our first two, would it be different this time? Would it take a year? What if I had a miscarriage and we had to try again? What if we wanted a 4th after the 3rd? Would that even be possible? We weren't getting younger and our 2 boys were growing quickly!

I was clear in my heart that I wanted another child, but I was nervous to open the baby gate again.

Finally our life felt stable and simpler.
Finally our boys had some independence that gave more ease to our lifestyle.
Finally I had freedom to be more independent.
Finally Paul and I could get quality date nights and maybe even get away on a trip!
Finally I had bandwidth to pursue a few passion projects alongside mothering and homeschooling (as if that's not enough! haha).
Finally we could travel with limited gear and more ease.
Finally there was more predictability in our life. 

Did we really want to go back to sleepless nights, diapers galore, potty training, nursing 24/7, nap schedules, little freedom and more?! Not to mention, how would the age gap affect our family dynamic? Would baby 3 always feel alone? Would Paul or I always have to be left behind on fun adventures to stay with the baby? What about the financial responsibility? Could Paul and I even handle parenting 3 kids?! 

It felt BIG to choose to enter back into this season of life, embrace the chaos that comes with pregnancy and newborn life AND to commit to the responsibility that comes with stewarding another beautiful soul in the world. 

But, sloooowly, God shifted our vision, our hearts and our capacity so that despite the unknowns and challenges in late Summer 2024, we weren't 100% "ready" (who ever is?!), but we were ready enough to say yes to expanding our family.

I'll spare you the personal details ;) but it didn't take too long to see those two pink lines appear. We had a few months of single line results, which resulted in tears and fears.

But, as I mentioned in the beginning, this pregnancy has been laced with surprises from the start. So I want to share, briefly, the story of the day we found out we were pregnant:

In October of 2024, I knew we had made another honest attempt at trying for a baby ;) and I was hopeful we would see 2 pink lines this time. I had purchased a pack of 50 little pregnancy test trips (which I will never recommend now!) because I wanted to test as soon as I could, but not waste money on the good tests if I tested too early and it came back negative. (Can you tell I don't like waiting?!)

At the right time, I started testing... and testing... and testing... a couples times a day for a week! But it was negative and my cycle still wasn't here. Strange. For my anxious mind, it was also concerning. Maybe there was something wrong with my hormones? Maybe I'm too stressed? What's going on? 

On the 7th day of waiting, wondering and worrying I was sitting in my favorite blue chair mid morning, drinking a cup of green tea and reading a book that a dear friend sent me on the power of motherhood. I was on the chapter talking about the power of the womb and how God designed our wombs as women as a place of miracles. 

I distinctly remember feeling a sense of remorse for closing the door so tightly to having more children for over 5 years! There was a sadness I felt that we didn't open ourselves up sooner to having more kids (especially because we knew we wanted another). I do want to emphasize that this was NOT a moment of deep shame and regret by any stretch. 

It was like it dawned on me, the realization and the embracing of a huge aspect of how I was created and my capacity and power as a woman - to create and house life! 

And if I could get on my soapbox for a moment; 

It was more like a realization of the beauty and value of children, of being able to be pregnant, of being a mother and so much more that so quickly gets devalued in our culture. A realization that changed the way I thought and felt about motherhood and made me long to have more of what I was created for. 

For some what I'm about to say may either not make sense at all or will seem extra. But this is just what happened. I teared up and apologized to God for blocking His blessing of children and expressed my deep desire to have another child (or maybe more!) 

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